Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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