If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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