They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
