dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
