sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
