so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
