i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
