my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
