i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Randomize
