I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
