i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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