i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i've created a new STD.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
