My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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