I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
