my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The best revenge is premature balding
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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