it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
