The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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