oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
