Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
