i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
