I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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