Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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