i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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