Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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