At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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