Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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