and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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