I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
