i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
