My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
