mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
