when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
