I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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