I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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