Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
