I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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