You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I want her autograph on my taint
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
