I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
