I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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