I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
