every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
