I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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