Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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