Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who died my cat blue again?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
