3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
