You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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