Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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