Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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