My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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