I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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