you traded sex for a burrito?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
