awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
