My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
