i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
