I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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